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untitled need help not sure if it needs a chorus

by david olsen
(keokuk iowa)

do you see the stars up in the sky
have you looked and tried to realize
how it started and why it came to be
come along and you will surely see

the start of the game was long ago
in the middle of the universe so we been told
things were so quiet and then with a blast
the game finally had started at last

now who are the players in this little game
both have their own reason's about the same
one player here and one player there
both trying to get their share

both of them think they will win
all depends on the type of sin
one gets you one way one the other
as different as black and white in color

they keep an eye on this place from far away
both anticipating the big day
so far its even as far as we know
lets all hope we have a chance to grow old




Comments for
untitled need help not sure if it needs a chorus

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Feb 27, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
different
by: Anonymous

different but still ok

Apr 24, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Lemme think...
by: ~RES~

You have a strong rhythmic structure- that's good. You also have really good ideas. I don't think you necisarily need a chorus, it just needs a little more to fill it out. You could add some of your own thoughts answering the question "what are we all here for?" Maybe if you add a couple more stanzas and then repeat the very first one changing it a little like this:
"do you see the stars up in the sky
have you looked and tried to realize
how it all started and why it came to be
Perhaps in this life time we'll come to see"

Then you could make the title be some phrase in this stanza like "Do you See?" or "In the Stars" or something like that. Just some ideas. Good luck. :)
~RES~

May 30, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstar
=0
by: Anonymous

i like it its not like one of the songs where some of the lyrics are really over used.

Jun 04, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Diffrent.
by: Gage Helms

Well, this certanly is diffrent, but I like it.

Im sure with a little more work you would become an awesome song writer!

ROCK ON!

Jun 15, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hook
by: Anonymous

Maybe add in a hook

Jun 25, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstar
Pretty Good
by: Anonymous

i think it should have a chorus, or at least a hook. even if it has interesting words, you still need some lyrical or musical hook that will make people want to hear more.

Aug 30, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
last verse
by: Anonymous

Asking some good questions, seems like your talking about God and the Devil. Of course revelation tells us who wins.

Thought for last verse:

The last days, when they come we don't know.

dale

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