Journey of a man lyrics critique- rock

by Matthew ruiz
(Upon melancholy hill)

okay this is pretty much the farthest I've ever gotten in terms of length of a song and I'm not quite done yet and it's also pretty much my first song

Gather round children 
Come and here a tale 
About a man who dreamed to rule the land
with a fist of iron and crown of gold upon his head

He sailed across the sea to the island of Latin winter
It brings down more and still
You feel desperation
Coursing your veins


Twenty years of torture at last now you've paid your due
Now your free to go good as new