Jesus, Carry Me - Contemporary

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Jesus, Carry Me - Contemporary - Lyrics Critique

by Jessie McDowell
(Kentucky, USA)

So... I'm 20 years old, and I've been writing music for eight years now. This is some of my earlier work that I'm thinking of recording next. But you guys tell me what you think. Thanks in advance! It's meant to be a slow, kind of mellow acoustic piece.

My strength is caving,
This path I have paved me,
Is full of tragedy and shame.
My faith is unshaken,
I won't be forsaken,
Because You promised me.

Chorus Intro
I won't pretend it doesn't hurt,
Just pretend that I'm alright.
I won't let anyone know,
But I'll lean on You tonight.

Chorus
Be my wings o'er the valley,
Swoop down and lift me,
To a rock so much higher than this.
Be my light through this darkness,
Walk close and guide me,
To a place so much higher than this.

Jesus, will You carry me?

My chest is aching,
My heart, it is breaking,
For everything weighing it down.
I keep going each day,
With a smile on my face,
But I'm dying inside.

Chorus Intro
As long as You are alone,
And nobody else can see,
Jesus, I'll take off this mask,
You already see past me.

Chorus
Be my wings o'er the valley,
Swoop down and lift me,
To a rock so much higher than this.
Be my light through this darkness,
Walk close and guide me,
To a place so much higher than this.

Jesus, will You carry me?

Bridge
I'll reach my hand through this rain,
Close my eyes and call Your name,
I know You hear me even through the storm.
I'll fall to my knees and cry,
Lift my hands to touch the sky,
I know You still hear me.

Chorus
Be my wings o'er the valley,
Swoop down and lift me,
To a rock so much higher than this.
Be my light through this darkness,
Walk close and guide me,
To a place so much higher than this.

Chorus
Be my wings o'er the valley,
Swoop down and lift me,
To a rock so much higher than this.
Be my light through this darkness,
Walk close and guide me,
To a place so much higher than this.

Chorus
Be my wings o'er the valley,
Swoop down and lift me,
To a rock so much higher than this.
Be my light through this darkness,
Walk close and guide me,
To a place so much higher than this.

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Jesus, Carry Me - Contemporary - Lyrics Critique

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Apr 13, 2011
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A few details
by: Dirk Lind

The 1st verse:

Given the rhyme scheme of the 2nd verse, it makes more sense for the 2nd line here to be: "This path I am paving." I'm not a proponent of always using true rhymes, it just seems that in the context, you may want to follow suit here.

There's a bit of a conflict in this verse. On the one hand, your "strength is caving," but a few lines later, your "faith is unshaken." It jumps too quickly to an opposing thought. What if it went more like this:

My strength is caving,
This path I am paving,
Is full of tragedy and shame.
But my faith is unshaken,
No, I won't be forsaken,
Because You promised me.

That gives it a bit of a bridge between the concepts.

Chorus intro:

I'm not fond of the doubling of pretend here. You could easily change the 2nd line to "But I'll tell the world I'm alright."

I'm not sure about the last 2 lines there. It sounds like you're saying that you won't let anyone know you're going to lean on Jesus tonight. But I don't THINK that's what you mean. If it is, my apologies. You could say "And I want to let you know, I'm gonna lean on you tonight."

Chorus:

The chorus has a nice feel, but the first two lines bug me a little, it's a tiny detail. In the 1st line, you say be MY wings, and in the next line, swoop down and lift me. If he is your wings, aren't you already lifted? Your own wings are going to swoop down and lift you? It's a lovely sentiment, but the wording stumbles a little. I would also suggest using "place" instead of "rock" in the 3rd line. It creates a nice cadence to the chorus, and "rock" is a bit obtrusive to the image of flying through the air.

Maybe:

Oh you're in this valley with me
take me in your arms and lift me
to a place so much higher than this

For the 2nd half of the chorus, you switch images - flying to walking. You might consider sticking with the flying, since the anchor line is a place "higher than this."

Maybe...

Hold me close in your arms
lift me up through the dark
to a place much higher than this

Your second verse:

This is a different feel from the 1st verse. There, you felt pain, but ended the verse with some affirmation. Here, the whole verse is quite desolate. Perhaps at the end there could be some similar bit of hope? Maybe...

I keep going through the day
and every moment I pray
That you will find me

The next chorus intro:

I'd at least change "past" to "through," it makes more sense in the context.

And the first lines might fit the song's feel better as:

I know I'm not alone
Though none else can see
Jesus, I'll take off my mask
You already see through me

The bridge sounds fine to me.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. I think the song has a good feel to it. You're getting your point across. There's just a bit of jumbling in the images and concepts. I think with a little spit and polish this will be quite nice, and I do hope you will post a link to the song here once you're done with it. I know I'd like to hear it!

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