He'll never know - lyric critique

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He'll never know - lyric critique

by Nicole
(Warrington, England)

hey everyone, i'm Nicole, i'm 15, i just want to know what you all think, its one of my first songs :D songwritings kinda grown into a hobby for me so i kinda want to know if its worth continuing... here goes

______________________________

He'll Never know

its just me and him
side by side
we walk the halls to pass the time
he's smiling and we're talking
touching shoulders as we're walking
we're laughing and he's joking
then along comes his girlfriend

i guess he'll never know
how much i think about him
i dream about him everynight
i know that this just isn't right

i guess i'm going crazy
do i love him? ...maybe
but i won't let my feelings show
so now i guess he'll never know

he's at my house, friday night
him and his girlfriend had a fight
i'm finding it hard to hide
how relieved i feel inside
he tells me what had happened
i tell him it'll all be okay
she wasn't good enough for him anyway

i guess he'll never know
how much i think about him
i dream about him everynight
i know that this just isn't right

i guess i'm going crazy
do i love him? ...maybe
but i won't let my feelings show
so now i guess he'll never know

he has another girl in line
i just wish that he was mine
he's telling me all about her
i say 'not another word'
he asks me if somethings wrong
so i take a breath
and i tell him that i've liked him all along

now he knows
how much i think about him
i dream about him everynight
me and him seem so right

i'm not going crazy
does he love me? ...maybe
now how i feel finally shows
now he knows
now he finally knows

___________________________________

:D!!!!!!!!!!

i want criticisms !!

improvement ideas lolz

thanks for reading my song people!!!

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He'll never know - lyric critique

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Feb 27, 2009
Rating

VERY NICE!
by: Charlie

Nicole, you have a gift. Wonderful story, ryme is very good.Rythem & flow is consistant. I would like to see you polish it a bit in the last verse. Keep writing I'm 52 I've enjoyed writing almost all my life it good for the soul.

Feb 28, 2009
Rating

Amazing
by: Sweetie

U did an amazing job in writing dis lyrics. Very well done lyrics.. Keep it up and u're gonna be something great. I write sometimes but I don't think am good as u're.. Gifted I must say:)

Mar 01, 2009
Rating

No smoke up the proverbial bum...
by: Anonymous

All right, kid, I’m going to go easy on you because you are young and fragile and I don’t want to crush your dreams. Usually I’m pretty harsh. Instead of offering you a critique, I would like to impart to you some tools that will help you to become a better critic of your own work. And besides, I still have a recording of one of my first songs at 15. I would say it is almost as good as yours.

If you’re serious about being a songwriter, the first thing you need to do is learn how to cook Ramen Noodles and live with 4 insane roommates, because you might have to do that a LOT. The second thing you need to learn how to do is REWRITE. The first draft of any song is usually a good BASIS for a song, but needs refining. Next you need to learn what songwriting is.

You have to answer some basic questions: Who, what, when, where and why? Who would want to listen to your song, what would keep them from changing the radio station, when are you going to say something interesting in this song, where is this going, and why did you write it? If you listen to your favorite bands and try to answer these questions, you’ll begin to see what I mean.

You have some strong ideas and a sense of rhyme. You have some rhythm built into the lyrics. There is a story being told. This actually has the makings of a song. People can relate to being a third wheel in a situation where they are too shy to tell someone how they feel. But you get the guy in the end, and then you question it… A song is short and goes by pretty quickly. Is it a good idea to present this new idea or question at the very end? For people who listen to this song and DON’T get the guy (or girl) in the end, won’t there be a sense of exclusion? The title says, “He’ll Never Know”, but in the song you finally tell him, so he DOES know… whatever happened to NEVER? Doesn’t this make the title a lie, and therefore the song a lie? HONESTY is the single most important ingredient in a song. If it’s not honest, people can smell it like a fart. Unlike a fart, you can’t blame it on the dog!

So keep up the great work! Don’t expect to make a million dollars with your songwriting, but keep the dream alive!

Mar 19, 2009
Rating

[:
by: kelsey

oh my goodness girl! you are an amazing writer!! XD i loved the song! i feel exactly how it describes!

wonderful job.
keep it up.
[:

Apr 07, 2009
Rating

WOW!!!
by: Anonymous

DANG you are good!!! Im 13 and not that fab but i posted some lyrics to one on here any way!!!! LOL wow i wish i could write like you :D

Jun 19, 2009
Rating

Whoa!!!
by: Victoria

Oh my gosh!! You are amazing!! I sang and played guitar to this and I just couldn't help doing it five times!! I absolutely LOVE this!! Keep writing! Maybe someone will notice you!!

Jul 20, 2009
Rating

Excellent!
by: Anonymous

After putting my own lyrics on this site, I was browsing around and found this baby! (I'm from Britain too, Glasgow, Scotland to be exact! I'm foutreen though :P)

I can relate to this so much! I dont know if its written about you personally, but I feel that so many others could relate to this. I mean, what teenage gorl has never had this?

I think you should find a melody for it, if you havent already. If you dont play n instrument, a good website to use is jamstudio.com, it lets you play about with lots of guitar chords and strumming patterns.

Well done!

if this is the first version then I cant wait to se the redraft! Five stars!

Jul 28, 2009
Rating

i really like it
by: Jen

wow. you are a really good songwriter, keep up the good work. id love to see more from you

Nov 24, 2009
Rating

good job
by: Anonymous

really good job, specially for fifteen, im 15 too hah but i been writing for a good few years and started an indy label with a friend of mine. thats rap though so i guess its a different rhyme scheme generally. from what i can tell though good job :) . i agree that the las bit could use some polishin

Dec 06, 2009
Rating

Why quit?!
by: RJ

This is definitely something people can relate to. Very enjoyable to read, too.
But why would you quit because of a few bad reviews? Everyone knows perserverence is a huge part to success. You already have the talent to write some good lyrics at age 15, so why stop now? You only get better as you get older, and have more experiences to share with the world. Good luck, and keep it up!

Jan 10, 2011
Rating

Nice nicole
by: Anonymous

That's great! And I know exactly how you feel, girl. You're too good for him anyways. Keep writing :) <3

May 15, 2011
Rating

AWESOME JOB
by: Ana

WOW, great job. I know exactly how you feel, and this song can relate to a lot of other girls in the world. Keep up the great work!

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